The Phantom Cheese Sniffer - the Boss
Phantom Cheese Sniffers was born on a small planet just outside the constellation of Andromeda. He specialises in writing imaginative and stupid stories about people around him. Even when issued with court orders he carries on going. One day he hopes to write for major publications, but for now he’s happy writing drivel for this tin-pot website.
Toby Bubler - Writer & Second in command
With the world at his feet, Toby’s own personal life story must be worst of anyone. Once living the playboy lifestyle and owner of several high class clubs, Toby was brought down to earth after an unfortunate incident with a tube of super glue an air fix model of an F16 and a small woman in a cat suit.
Cleared of any wrong doing and only have to pay for the dry cleaning of the cat suit,.
Toby returned to his home town and now lives the life of a playboy/bachelor spending most of his time in the local boozer, chippy, curry house or Chinese take-away. He tells us he also goes to the gym but that’s only because it’s got a bar.
Chris P. Bacon, Your raving reporter
Chris joined Cheese Sniffers a few months ago as a rookie reporter, having had a number of previous jobs mainly in the construction sector.
Chris’s best known building was the Millennium Dome. Chris supervised the building of the toilets, some would say they are the best toilets in the world, but not our Chris. He calls them “the worst F***ing Bast*rd Bogs in the F***ing world, They are as F***ing crap and the crap that get flushed down the F***ing things.”
Chris puts this project down as the reason he decided to take up reporting.
Rachael Mole-Hill - Secretary & Coffee maker
Rachael, or Ratchet, is a party girl. Weekends are spent drinking and partying, most of the time the only sleep she gets is in the office between the hours of 9 and 5 before it’s off partying again. Rachael also likes to make small models, last week she made Cindy Crawford out of old newspaper and some string, to the delight of all of her colleagues.
Linzi Sponge-Ringer - Senior Secretary and File Clark
Linzi is a vital member of the Cheese Sniffers team; she’s the only one who knows who we order the coffee of. Also, having been a welder for the Camel Lairds shipyard for 34 years she comes in very handy when we need a spot of work doing on the Cheese Sniffers fleet of cars. But old habits die hard for Linzi as she still insists on smashing a bottle of Champaign on the bonnet every time one leaves.
Jean (The Registry) Bates - Meeting Organiser
Jean didn’t so much join Cheese Sniffers, she sort of fell in. She turned up one day and just didn’t leave. After all the years she’s been with us we don’t know what we’d do without her, indeed who would run our bonus ball lottery and keep us from becoming a bunch of un-guided and un-happy people with no purpose in life but to write rubbish.
Nick (Monza) Trolly - Bass player and Hair dresser
Born under a wandering star, or at least the tail light of a 35ft Container lorry outside Milton Keynes, Nick has been called the fattest Gay in the village. Sources close to him say he wear’s a corset to keep in his extra large bulk, it has to be said this is unconfirmed. Nick is currently playing in a small folk band and likes to listen to CD’s of Phil Dickins, formally of the band Lemonsis, He also likes to dress up in 80’s style clothes with hair to match.
Ross, Contract killer - Occupation: unknown, place of origin: unknown, real name: Betty
Ross once had a successful job working in a hair salon, everything went wrong when he was caught collecting the hair he cut and taking it home. When police raided his house they found bags full of female hair. It turns out Ross is completely bald and uses the hair to make himself wigs. His latest (he calls ‘The Sandra’) is starting to look a bit shabby. He did tell us that he has another almost ready, “Its bigger and better than any I’ve ever made before”, he told us.