Money, Money, Money
The Bank of England announced today that it is to mint a new coin. The new coin is going to be worth £1.23 and will be called the "Monty"
The new coin is in direct response to requests from pound shops and the fact that a pound doesn't get you as much as it used to. The "Monty" will become legal tender by June of 2012 in time for the Olympics and is thought to have an Olympic design on it to commemorate the 2012 Olympic farce, sorry games.
All the current Pound shops are going to be renamed "Monty" shops from July and its thought the process will be competed fully by August.
When we spoke to manager of "Super Pound Planet", Jeff Fill-Shelves he told us, "This is great news, we've been asking for this for a few month's and now we have it. It mean's our customers will have a clearer idea of how much they need to pay at the till as everything will cost a 'Monty'. Its going to be fantastic."
But groups against the new coin have told us, "What a load of crap"
We wait and see how the public reacts to the new coins and indeed how the re-branding of the current pound shops go
- The Phantom
New Laptops for everyone
We here at Cheesesniffers HQ have just taken delivery of a brand new batch of Laptops. We have had them especially shipped from Japan, they are so new they have the new Apple 3D logo on them.
Who says we don't take care of our staff here, We like them all to have the most up to date equipment and these babies are the real top of the line.
Absolutely not much expense was spared when we ordered them two (4) years ago, we are told that it took that long for the machines to be built, they are that special!! I can't wait for the office to be humming with all the activity that these brand new lightening fast machines are going to bring.
Hopefully the staff will stop moaning at me to get them new laptop's and finally shut up and get some work done, who am I kidding, the only time they move is when the butty van comes around during lunch time.
I sometimes don't know why I bother.
- The Phantom
Its car sharing MAN.....
Friends Carl Tamper-proof (3) and Barry Holdem-Closer (5) today showed the world the new way they have of saving fuel. The pair both work around the corner from each other but live 23 (eighteen) miles away from work.
Carl (55), told us, "Car sharing is all very well, but I like to have my car with me just in case I want to go out for a sandwich or something. By doing this I can take my own car with me and save the fuel"
Barry (19) said, "Its the only way to travel, its the best of both worlds".
If anyone wants to try this themselves they are going to have to pay Carl and Barry a fee, as they have patented the idea.
- The Phantom
Its 12.30, it must be Lunge time
To get into the spirit of the Olympics, our very own Rachael Mole-Hill (92) has started to do lunges everywhere she goes. The First time we saw Rachael (44 1/2) doing them in the office we thought she'd pulled a muscle of some sort, but in fact she's in training for the Olympic 200m Lunge.
Rachael (18-3+7) keep telling us she is going to try and beat her previous record, but as its the first time she's ever entered into the Lunge competition we haven't got a clue what she's going on about.
No one here has a clue about the competition she'll be up against ether, but he do believe that Sam Drag-Snorkle (55) will be entering and is going to be Rachael's biggest hurdle in winning the Gold Medal. That's if they have hurdles in the lunge!!!
Everyone here at Cheesesniffers is wishing Rachael (43) the best of luck, Bring home the Gold Rachael Girl. Failing that just a couple of bacon rolls.
- The Phantom
Yes!!! its true
We are dropping the price of a Cheesesniffers annual subscription to nothing.
Thats right, nowt. Zip. Nitto. Bugger all.
No paywalls, no charging system, nothing.
We think great stories like these should be open to everyone and that news should be free.
This does mean we can't sent people stupid fluffy toys or "free" pens anymore that are actually part of the subscription package and aren't actually free, but it does mean we can give you great stories. One other down side to it is we have to start advertising in the middle
Joe Cafe, the best bacon butties in town
of the stories you are trying to read. We hope this won't be
Cycles and Seats, The best Bikes in town
too much of a distraction.
- The (Now free) Phantom
Bert arrested for shouting
It appears that Bert (43) was in a cake shop in New York, America, Somewhere over the water, when for no apparent reason he started shouting at the bakery staff about the amount of cream in his cream filled cake.
Bert got so annoyed he threw the cake into the street, this caused Greg Slim-jim (5) to slip and break his brand new JPod and cause a small damp stain on the lower leg of his trousers.
In shock at this, a passer by walked into a lamp post causing her to drop her shopping, this in turn caused a dog to break free from its owner and run into the middle of the road. The ensuing accident involving 8 (six) cars caused gridlock in down town New York.
Bert didn't have anything to say when he was arrested for the incident, and is due in court yesterday. He was found guilty of causing an accident with a cream filled cake and sentenced to 40 hours community service.
- The Phantom
We are just flying ahead of the competition
Cheesesniffers are proud to announce that we are now flying high above the competition. Cheesesniffers airways launched today in a hanger just outside Liverpool John Lennon Airport (they said we couldn't get one inside because we are stupid) just because we don't expect our pilots to really be able to fly a plane and our ground crew are just people off the street looking for something to do during the day.
Because of this we have had to plaster our aircraft will helpful hints for the people prepping and servicing the aero planes as well as those putting passengers and baggage on board.
Day one has started really well with the first plane taking off just before 8.30 this morning, it only took that long because no one could find the key to the gate of the airport to let us get onto the runway.
The passengers we had are all delighted and when they finally get the sat nav working they should get to the destination pretty much on time. We hope to have more news about the inaugural flight in the next few hours when it touches down. We'll even have some comments from the passengers of the new budget airline.
- The Phantom
The Grand Cheesesniffers National
We held our annual 'Grand Cheesesniffers National Steeplechase' this after noon at 'Something Cheesey' in the high street. The turnout was amazing for the race, the favorite, "Get 'Em Off" was getting terrible odds until someone found out that, "Ivor Biggun" was also in the race. The 3-1 was of course, "See my Length" followed by 5-1, "Tickle me here".
The race was finally won by, "Yes, Round the back", trained by Sid Dump-pickle, owned by Stan Trogg-Smuggler.
Second place was taken by, "That wasn't me", trained by Arthur Tag-Spanner, owned by Cressington Swallow-peeper
And third went to, "Warm and cuddly", trained by Bill Piddle-flute, owned by Eric Sink-Bridgetable
All the winnings from the race went to our local chippy, the Off-licence and, "The Partridge and Monkey", our local.
- The Phantom
Ricky Gervais as Derek
Ricky Gervais has departed from his normal style of comedy and produced a fly-on-the-wall spoof with the main character having a low metal age and possibly slight autism. Its seems a shame that someone like Gervais has to play the lead roll and couldn't have just written pilot because his portrayal is slightly wide of the mark on some occasions
Although some parts of the program are funny, other parts are poignant and touching. Many people have given the program terrible reviews but we would urge you to watch it, don't expect a side splitting comedy and don't take Ricky's portrayal to heart as he doesn't play the character too well, but the main aspect of Derek comes through.
Karl Pilkington's character is just plain old Pilkington and provides a comic relief during the program and his depiction of a caretaker/driver and general grumpy sod provide the perfect vehicle for his persona.
All of the other members of the cast perform very well along side Gervais and Pilkington and have major scope if the program was ever made as a series.
We look forward to more from Ricky if he pursues the project further. Good look and well done.
- The Phantom
Sniff-OS postponed until August
The launch of the Cheesesniffers OS, Sniff-OS has been delayed until August due to a cock-up in production of the CD's. The Sniff-OS is going to be a direct rival to every other OS around, Windows, Linux and Apple. We are even going to produce an OS to rival Android. We've just got to make sure we've got all of our patents sorted out before we get any action taken against us.
To do the patent checking we've had a army of Lawyers (a trainee called Kevin) looking at every part of our code and they (he) say's everything is ok.
The New OS looks really impressive and can multi-task at least three things at once and run's on most machines so long as its no better than a Intel 486. We are working on a version for better machines, but as they are really expensive now its not worth it as no one would buy it. We think this sort of OS will really take off in the next couple of years and we believe its going to be one of our biggest sellers. We are even thinking of going into the TV production business, we've got some CRT TV's coming from Japan that are really cheap. We are told they are the next big thing in TV's called Standard definition ready, we might even produce a TV as big as 28 inches. The next phase is to start our own TV channel, we haven't come up with a name for it yet.
- The Phantom
No space for space
Its been 51 years since Yuri Gagarin went into space, and was thought to be the very first man in space.
But we at Cheesesniffers have been going through our past articles from around that time and it would appear that Yuri, the most excellent and intrepid cosmonaut, wasn't in fact the first man in space.
It was in fact the Phantom Cheesesniffer on-board 'Cheese-cake 4' in 1959. Two years before Gagarin, its thought that both the Americans and Russians' both used technology used on the Cheese-cake series of spacecraft developed by the 'Cheesesniffers space exploration team' during the late 40's and 50's.
This picture of the spaceship was drawn by Joel Carlo from the original blue-prints from the time and is thought to be a very good likeness as non of the original spacecraft survived the fire at the Cheddar launch facility just outside bath, in the north south east western part of the country.
Unfortunately the edition that ran the story put other stories above the news that 'The Phantom' was the first man in space and thought that a nuclear-powered flying car and a cat being born with three ears was more important.
The Cheese-cake project continued until the mid 1960's when it was finally closed after complains of noise from residents around the launch site. Six more missions into space went ahead but the planned space station had to be scrapped. One of the lead contributors to the 'Cheese-cake' project was Arthur C. Clarke who went on to predict the future of space travel and the geo-stationary orbit of satellites. Other records point to the British government made all the records top secret and we can only now reveal the space journey the phantom made.
- The Cheesesniffers official records office
Laminated and loving it
I (The Phantom) have just had my house laminated. After a long discussion with Mrs Phantom we decided that the whole house could do with a new look and so we got Trevor and Malcolm in from 'Wooden floors of distinction' in to lay some flooring. To give them credit you'd hardly know its actually five different laminates from different places but you know how difficult it is when your getting a strip at a time sample bits from here, there and everywhere.
It's a shame to have to cover it but Graham, our leopard skin rug complete with head, looks absolutely fantastic on it.
And we have the added entertainment value of the cats doing figure skating over it every time they come in from outside, its an absolute treat to watch, just wish they didn't take cobs out of my flock wallpaper every time they hit the walls.
I might take some photo's of Cheesesniffers Towers one day and let you all see the majesty and spectacle of the whole thing. But then again I might not because I just can't be bothered really.
If you want to see it, you'll have to make an appointment otherwise the dog's will have you if you try and scale the 20ft electric fence. And anyway, it can't be seen from the road.
- The Laminated Phantom
John's Big break
Things seem to be going from strength to strength for our man on the pulse, John Door-Opener (44), He's managed to land himself the leading roll in a 70's style movie. He's keeping the type of film to himself but his facial hair is telling us something else.
Could he be appearing as a plumber, photocopy repair man or maybe even a mechanic with a large wrench. We'll have to wait and see, and also see if we get invited to the premier or if John (12) only invites a certain class of person.
We just wish he'd stop calling everyone 'Man'.
Filming is due to start in the next couple of weeks in undisclosed locations, we hope it doesn't take too much out of him.
- The Phantom
Tea for me
Shock news has just come in to Cheesesniffers. The Legend that is Toby Bubbler (30) has given up drinking beer. Yes, its true. Toby twenty pints (55) has given up the booze and has gone tea total.
We don't know why this has happened yet, but we do know the landlord at his local pub is said to be in deep shock over the news. We tried to get an interview with Dave Shortchange (12), the boss of the drinking house, but the staff said he had locked himself in the toilet and was refusing to come out unless Toby (91) stated that it was all lies and that he was still drinking.
The staff in the pub are now wondering how long the boozer is going to stay open, its also thought the curry house around the corner, the kebab shop and chippy are also going to be hit by this drastic and unprovoked action by Mr Bubbler (age unknown).
We wait and see the outcome and if and when Toby (34 inch neck) will start drinking again. In some good news for the area, the local Tesco's have run out of rich tea biscuits and are thought to be doing an amazing trade in Lemonade.
- The Phantom
Unfortunate news
Since we left the world wide wobbly web back in...... some time before lunch, we have some sad news about a great friend of Cheesesniffers, Mr Sean Hula-Hoop (4). He has sadly been taken away to live in Australia.
In a very odd event, Sean (49) was found to had stolen some bread from the local bread shop and in doing so was taken away to be questioned.
He was charged with taking the bread and was given a choice, be hung by the neck until dead or be shipped off to the convict island of Australia. Naturally he opted for the better of the two options but was told he had to go to Australia.
After a six month passage he reached the island and instantly started work in the new (well new to them anyway) sector of I.T.
We don't know what Sean (95) is currently doing, probably farming sheep knowing him, but we do look forward to hearing from him soon. We just don't want him back in this country (or his sheep). Only joking Sean (21), your sheep are welcome here any day.
- The Phantom
Daren drops a big one
The Cheesesniffers office has been a wash with calls (we had two) telling us about a poor taxi driver from Bootleshire called Daren Bungem-in Drive-em-off (84). Apparently after a night of some serious taxi driving his drive shaft decided it didn't want to be a part of all the running around anymore and fell off his car.
The shaft was seen getting on the 61 bus and was telling passengers, "all I did all bloody day was get belted around here, there and every bloody place", It went on to say, "He (Daren) never treated me with any respect, just thought he could flog the guts out of me and never even send me a Christmas card. Well, that's it. He can live without me from now on."
Its thought the Drive shaft has joined a haulage firm and is now doing very well for itself and is going to be in the next series of "Eddie Stobart, Trucks and....." whatever the things called.
Darren (16), Pictured Left...... no right..... no from the front is thought to have said, "I'm well F*****ing pi**ed off now. ***** ******* ***** and a big ****** ******** ****** to the stupid ****** ********** ***** *** ********* ************* *** ********* and its going to cost me a ****************** fortune to replace that F************ thing." He then stormed off towards a local butty van.
We wish Daren (44) all the best when he gets his new Drive shaft and that he looks after this new one and at least sends it a Christmas card.
- The Phantom
The Sniifers is back on-line
That's correct, your not imagining it, WE ARE BACK......
The Credit crunch couldn't stop us, the Greek's couldn't stop us, not even Malcolm the cleaner could stop us when he unplugged our typewriter from the wall to plug his Hoover in. (other makes of vacuum cleaner's are available, we just thought we use the generic term)
WE ARE BACK. Bigger and better than ever before. Less salt, reduced fat but just as much BullS**t. If you liked us before, you'll feel the same way now, only less bloated.
Watch this space for more great Cheesesniffer Content. Just don't watch for too long as we had a report from someone in the Netherlands who actually went mad and started his own site after staring at the screen for too long.